Somethings and some Nothings!!! – Part V

Recap - Part I Part II Part III Part IV

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When you get used to distances, even proximity seems too far! I felt like I was in an island of friends, with my own piece of land for myself and none to share. It was sort of a blessing that I could enjoy all this. I have had my share of distances and spaces and it was time I redefined certain boundaries.

I would say it was a dream, come true, when I found that there were people to care for, when I stepped into the outside world alone. If there are only seven in the whole world, who would say beginning of corporate life was the best part of their lives, I would be their leader shouting that out to rest of the world. It was a bigger dream come true or even a miracle, when someone cared for me in return. I had always believed that there was a margin bordering the difference between ego, attitude and arrogance. He was that margin personified and walking around as a six foot man with a mission to keep people around him happy, dreaming, in glee and totally in awe. I had always had his shoulder to lean on, when in despair, when low on hope and whenever I wanted to feel safe. He had always lent a ear to all that rambling I went on with, that would never stop no matter what time of the day it was. We had been connected even when I was away and I cursed myself for misjudging the beautiful friendship, the first time I did.

A slightly heavier lunch and an overload of reasons to think, seem to make me travel back to my memories of good old days a little more than always. In spite of the crystal like memory I boast of, it’s been years since I thought back at all these. I thought I wasn’t strong to handle it, but now I know nobody else could have handled it any better. Thank God, I know am doing great. This feeling makes me special to myself every single day.

As I checked the mails that have filled my inbox, over the lunch time I was out, on a lunch date with myself and my favourite katti rolls, I ran through all the replies to his wedding invite, he had sent to the team. I had wished him with a one liner, “Hearty congrats to the happy couple!” and I have seen him look disturbed from then on. He knows he has not yet lived up to all the four keywords in my reply. He was hurrying into a marriage he thinks would help him forget his past, he knew he was wrong, still he knew that was his only way out as a favour to himself.

He was not one of a kind. I knew of another who could not have been any nicer. I have always been lucky to meet the best of the people. I have always been blessed with their love and affection. When there’s and extra element of care added to the equation I have felt like a princess. I had asked him, not so clearly, not so obviously, nevertheless asked him, if we were just friends. He had not replied. I had assumed I had got it all wrong and blamed myself for questioning the purest of friendship that ever blossomed on mother earth. I thought as much, till I was once asked the same by another person. I then knew how tough it was to answer when asked. I also knew I had an obligation to answer and clarify at once. I answered with a “No”, I meant “We are just friends” and then we were clear and great friends now. This was when I was away for a year, just before I had to come back.

I had come back right when he had planned to take up an onsite offer. I had felt heavy about his plans getting postponed. I knew he had no choice. I had still wanted a status check and tried to be a little more explicit when I asked him this time. “I need to know if am going to be on the top of your priorities right now. I need to know if I can be happy to wait.” He didn’t reply. I knew he had meant he had other priorities on his head and he couldn’t think of me and his life together then. He didn’t realise we were getting older. I understood his stand and felt bad for understanding a little too much. I was relieved I had asked, else would have always assumed without any reason that his response would have been what I wanted to hear. He was not one of a kind. If I had met him, and another, I know there would be others. Just that I also knew I wouldn’t anyways bother myself to care.

Somethings and some Nothings!!! – Part IV

Recap - Part I Part II Part III

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Four years and she has not asked me a simple “Why”. Maybe she had wanted to ask thousand such whys for all that happened, maybe she had asked and I had no clue she did, maybe she was tired of asking, maybe she knew the answers or maybe she didn’t have the question in the first place!

She smiled more than ever and said I could have the three weeks leave I had requested for. She should have asked more about it. She should have had more to say. She chose not to. Surprised, but happy she’s pulled through all this. I walked out of the cabin in less than two minutes. She’s not let me stand near her or for any longer. I have not let her think of a way to get rid of me every time. I have moved away myself. Like always, I just left. Surprised, but happy I have started to think like her, for her.

I had to wind up things at work and meet people in the office. Am leaving tomorrow and have a whole baggage to pack off. People were hanging around near my desk and plans being made for a party that evening. They wanted to make it the best party I could have ever been to. I smiled to myself and wondered when and how my memory grew sharper! I could now clearly remember the one party that shall always be my best, the one she had thrown the day before she left. That was when she had hinted and I had not realised she had. That was when I should have said a “Yes” or a “No”, for that would have made a difference and I would have still had her by me.

The seven of us were there and she was leaving the next day for her Masters. She had made me study along with her. She had even helped me out at work so that I could study. I did give her company in studying, but that was for her sake. As for me, I had other plans. I had my career chalked out. I knew what I wanted and what I was going to do. She had asked me a hundred times what my plan was, from the day our results had come. She was in and I wasn’t and she sure did know I had a plan. Our idea of career was different and we respected that when she had to leave. We wished for each other’s good and more importantly we knew we would still be the best of friends no matter where we go. That’s all that had mattered, atleast to me.

She asked me for the hundredth time that night when I dropped her off at her place. She asked me what I would do for the next two years. I had wanted to work for two years and then do my Masters. I told her that. She said “I wish you would come with me now, we would graduate together and that would make things much easier!” and smiled, suppressing a tear that could have made things clear for me then itself. That was the first time I saw her eyes yearn for something, but back then didn’t know they were asking me if she and I had a future. I hadn’t replied to her then. That was first of the many opportunities she gave me to respond. I failed to read that. I failed to read much more than that. Clearly, there was no line anymore, no thin line that demarked the boundaries. She had realised that and I should have too. We were meant to cross it together.

She went on to have an amazing twelve months and right through we were there for each other, distance has never made us far from each other and time just flew before we could realise it did. It was time I executed my plan and I had not hurried into it yet. Even before I could enter the next step, she was back. Only to ask me again what my plan was.

As I thought how much change has changed her, I noticed my mobile ring louder than ever. The plan for tonight’s party was confirmed and I had to be there by seven with my fiancée. I looked at my monitor and the tiny clock there showed it was time for lunch and I had another half a day to push through.

Somethings and some Nothings!!! – Part III

Recap - Part I Part II

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In a world where self pride becomes the key to existence, ego is the safest weapon one can use. To prove "I am, what I am and I am all that I have", I probably am using it as a weapon of destruction, that kills a potentially dying friendship, if I can call it so!

He reports to me, in a totally different sense we report to each other every day and it doesn’t get any better. But within the four walls of the cabin or within the frame of professional work, I don’t think. I don’t question myself anything and even better, I don’t question him. I didn’t think till he walked out with his leave request approved. I didn’t want to confirm my worst fear of being the only one to have moved on. Moved on might be a superlative of something lighter I feel. It’s just that am not even in search of words.

I could have easily asked “Why?”. I had all the time, all these years, yet I hadn’t. And now, I cannot. It’s fair and simple. It would have been hardly two minutes since he walked out of my cabin without asking if I would be there, and I had already thought of all the responses I would have given if I were asked. I have always wondered if things would have been easier if I thought about it any lesser.

I stared at the invitation I had not opened. I knew the content inside too well. I knew this was coming and had prepared myself for it. I knew the day, time and people mentioned in bold and gold, inside the beautiful laced invitation cover and I wish I hadn’t known it this deep. This was not what he wanted, and I knew that as well.

It was like any other day, except that I had those extra two minutes of discussion with him. It was time that I got back to work and smiled at all the mails on my office laptop. Work makes me smile, for I can easily get lost in it without blaming myself too much about it. I had known the way to work around in this place and this level of comfort made life more convenient for me. I could choose to choose and opt to ignore anything and anyone at any time and however brutal that sounds, that was the best part of what I do here.

It wasn’t even eleven in the morning, and the day can never be longer! I knew I had to rush for a cup of coffee. Alone, but hot black coffee and the view from the balcony on our 7^th floor cafeteria are the best company I could ask for. I needed that time off alone, and when I closed my eyes I could hear the music in my head. Doing all these alone, I had never imagined I would get addicted to! Am glad I did...