Sunday, October 3, 2010

Somethings and some Nothings!!! – Part VI

Recap - Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V

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I was done, for the day. I had wrapped them all up, all the files and all the work. I had bid all goodbyes and extended warm invites to every single person in every single cabin I could see in that floor. I had tried to push all these to the last minute, as I did not want the wedding to be the only thing to look forward too.

She is perfect, the one am going to marry. She is probably too perfect for someone this normal as me. Almost everyone I have met has been so. I had no clue of what I had missed or why I had moved away, till I had to say “Yes” to this girl. Maybe it was our families that had my answer out from me, maybe it was her, maybe I would have answered to anyone then or maybe I just wanted that to come out for once. It was only then realised I should have answered to someone else, sometime back.

It’s been six months that am engaged. It was just a week since I was asked to meet this girl and I already had to say “Yes” to someone I had hardly known. My fiancée, assuming it’s righteous to call her so, was way too timid, to even ask. She just stood and I just thought of a similar evening a year before that.

A year of staying away from the dearest of people, a year of remote conversations that made me miss human touch. I had just landed back. My closest friend she was, and she was there in the airport to receive me. The smile was there, a little too fake. The “Hi” was low and the usual handshake was weak and there was no warm hug. I thought she was busy, tired and bored. I never knew she was alone. I did not ask and she did not tell what was bothering her. We were in constant touch. We spoke more than ever when I was gone. Then, in the airport, made me wonder if I had ever known her, if I had, I would have known.

My assignment was over. I was back for good. I had plans here. I wanted to settle down big. She knew my plans. She was there planning it with me, for me. She knew I had missed her out in the plan and never said a word. I knew I was going right till that evening, she said she had to move out of my life. She literally said that, on one of the most important day of life. “Am proud of you, am happy for you, and am happy you get to do what you always wanted to – work, friends and now this new home for yourself. Am sure you will go places. For a while I want to be happy for myself. I can’t see you have a plan and not be a part of it. I had a plan. I no longer have one. I need one and need to be strong for myself. I had asked a question. I would have loved to hear an answer, either ways. Am not sure if I will ever get to hear that. I don’t want to wait to see it not happen. I don’t want to part as friends. I don’t want us to part at all. I just want to move away, and move on. I need some space now, for myself. As always, I will always be there for you, just that now, it will be from a distance. Bye for now...” and she had left with a smile on her face. Thanks to that smile, I knew she would be fine. Thanks to that smile, I was never fine again.

Yes, I said “Yes” to this girl even after I thought of the other evening. I thought it would help me move on. I thought I would be fine again. I thought she was strong, happy and safe. I am still not sure if either of us are - she, me or my fiancée.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Somethings and some Nothings!!! – Part V

Recap - Part I Part II Part III Part IV

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When you get used to distances, even proximity seems too far! I felt like I was in an island of friends, with my own piece of land for myself and none to share. It was sort of a blessing that I could enjoy all this. I have had my share of distances and spaces and it was time I redefined certain boundaries.

I would say it was a dream, come true, when I found that there were people to care for, when I stepped into the outside world alone. If there are only seven in the whole world, who would say beginning of corporate life was the best part of their lives, I would be their leader shouting that out to rest of the world. It was a bigger dream come true or even a miracle, when someone cared for me in return. I had always believed that there was a margin bordering the difference between ego, attitude and arrogance. He was that margin personified and walking around as a six foot man with a mission to keep people around him happy, dreaming, in glee and totally in awe. I had always had his shoulder to lean on, when in despair, when low on hope and whenever I wanted to feel safe. He had always lent a ear to all that rambling I went on with, that would never stop no matter what time of the day it was. We had been connected even when I was away and I cursed myself for misjudging the beautiful friendship, the first time I did.

A slightly heavier lunch and an overload of reasons to think, seem to make me travel back to my memories of good old days a little more than always. In spite of the crystal like memory I boast of, it’s been years since I thought back at all these. I thought I wasn’t strong to handle it, but now I know nobody else could have handled it any better. Thank God, I know am doing great. This feeling makes me special to myself every single day.

As I checked the mails that have filled my inbox, over the lunch time I was out, on a lunch date with myself and my favourite katti rolls, I ran through all the replies to his wedding invite, he had sent to the team. I had wished him with a one liner, “Hearty congrats to the happy couple!” and I have seen him look disturbed from then on. He knows he has not yet lived up to all the four keywords in my reply. He was hurrying into a marriage he thinks would help him forget his past, he knew he was wrong, still he knew that was his only way out as a favour to himself.

He was not one of a kind. I knew of another who could not have been any nicer. I have always been lucky to meet the best of the people. I have always been blessed with their love and affection. When there’s and extra element of care added to the equation I have felt like a princess. I had asked him, not so clearly, not so obviously, nevertheless asked him, if we were just friends. He had not replied. I had assumed I had got it all wrong and blamed myself for questioning the purest of friendship that ever blossomed on mother earth. I thought as much, till I was once asked the same by another person. I then knew how tough it was to answer when asked. I also knew I had an obligation to answer and clarify at once. I answered with a “No”, I meant “We are just friends” and then we were clear and great friends now. This was when I was away for a year, just before I had to come back.

I had come back right when he had planned to take up an onsite offer. I had felt heavy about his plans getting postponed. I knew he had no choice. I had still wanted a status check and tried to be a little more explicit when I asked him this time. “I need to know if am going to be on the top of your priorities right now. I need to know if I can be happy to wait.” He didn’t reply. I knew he had meant he had other priorities on his head and he couldn’t think of me and his life together then. He didn’t realise we were getting older. I understood his stand and felt bad for understanding a little too much. I was relieved I had asked, else would have always assumed without any reason that his response would have been what I wanted to hear. He was not one of a kind. If I had met him, and another, I know there would be others. Just that I also knew I wouldn’t anyways bother myself to care.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Somethings and some Nothings!!! – Part IV

Recap - Part I Part II Part III

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Four years and she has not asked me a simple “Why”. Maybe she had wanted to ask thousand such whys for all that happened, maybe she had asked and I had no clue she did, maybe she was tired of asking, maybe she knew the answers or maybe she didn’t have the question in the first place!

She smiled more than ever and said I could have the three weeks leave I had requested for. She should have asked more about it. She should have had more to say. She chose not to. Surprised, but happy she’s pulled through all this. I walked out of the cabin in less than two minutes. She’s not let me stand near her or for any longer. I have not let her think of a way to get rid of me every time. I have moved away myself. Like always, I just left. Surprised, but happy I have started to think like her, for her.

I had to wind up things at work and meet people in the office. Am leaving tomorrow and have a whole baggage to pack off. People were hanging around near my desk and plans being made for a party that evening. They wanted to make it the best party I could have ever been to. I smiled to myself and wondered when and how my memory grew sharper! I could now clearly remember the one party that shall always be my best, the one she had thrown the day before she left. That was when she had hinted and I had not realised she had. That was when I should have said a “Yes” or a “No”, for that would have made a difference and I would have still had her by me.

The seven of us were there and she was leaving the next day for her Masters. She had made me study along with her. She had even helped me out at work so that I could study. I did give her company in studying, but that was for her sake. As for me, I had other plans. I had my career chalked out. I knew what I wanted and what I was going to do. She had asked me a hundred times what my plan was, from the day our results had come. She was in and I wasn’t and she sure did know I had a plan. Our idea of career was different and we respected that when she had to leave. We wished for each other’s good and more importantly we knew we would still be the best of friends no matter where we go. That’s all that had mattered, atleast to me.

She asked me for the hundredth time that night when I dropped her off at her place. She asked me what I would do for the next two years. I had wanted to work for two years and then do my Masters. I told her that. She said “I wish you would come with me now, we would graduate together and that would make things much easier!” and smiled, suppressing a tear that could have made things clear for me then itself. That was the first time I saw her eyes yearn for something, but back then didn’t know they were asking me if she and I had a future. I hadn’t replied to her then. That was first of the many opportunities she gave me to respond. I failed to read that. I failed to read much more than that. Clearly, there was no line anymore, no thin line that demarked the boundaries. She had realised that and I should have too. We were meant to cross it together.

She went on to have an amazing twelve months and right through we were there for each other, distance has never made us far from each other and time just flew before we could realise it did. It was time I executed my plan and I had not hurried into it yet. Even before I could enter the next step, she was back. Only to ask me again what my plan was.

As I thought how much change has changed her, I noticed my mobile ring louder than ever. The plan for tonight’s party was confirmed and I had to be there by seven with my fiancée. I looked at my monitor and the tiny clock there showed it was time for lunch and I had another half a day to push through.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Somethings and some Nothings!!! – Part III

Recap - Part I Part II

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In a world where self pride becomes the key to existence, ego is the safest weapon one can use. To prove "I am, what I am and I am all that I have", I probably am using it as a weapon of destruction, that kills a potentially dying friendship, if I can call it so!

He reports to me, in a totally different sense we report to each other every day and it doesn’t get any better. But within the four walls of the cabin or within the frame of professional work, I don’t think. I don’t question myself anything and even better, I don’t question him. I didn’t think till he walked out with his leave request approved. I didn’t want to confirm my worst fear of being the only one to have moved on. Moved on might be a superlative of something lighter I feel. It’s just that am not even in search of words.

I could have easily asked “Why?”. I had all the time, all these years, yet I hadn’t. And now, I cannot. It’s fair and simple. It would have been hardly two minutes since he walked out of my cabin without asking if I would be there, and I had already thought of all the responses I would have given if I were asked. I have always wondered if things would have been easier if I thought about it any lesser.

I stared at the invitation I had not opened. I knew the content inside too well. I knew this was coming and had prepared myself for it. I knew the day, time and people mentioned in bold and gold, inside the beautiful laced invitation cover and I wish I hadn’t known it this deep. This was not what he wanted, and I knew that as well.

It was like any other day, except that I had those extra two minutes of discussion with him. It was time that I got back to work and smiled at all the mails on my office laptop. Work makes me smile, for I can easily get lost in it without blaming myself too much about it. I had known the way to work around in this place and this level of comfort made life more convenient for me. I could choose to choose and opt to ignore anything and anyone at any time and however brutal that sounds, that was the best part of what I do here.

It wasn’t even eleven in the morning, and the day can never be longer! I knew I had to rush for a cup of coffee. Alone, but hot black coffee and the view from the balcony on our 7th floor cafeteria are the best company I could ask for. I needed that time off alone, and when I closed my eyes I could hear the music in my head. Doing all these alone, I had never imagined I would get addicted to! Am glad I did...

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Somethings and Nothings - Part II

Recap - Part I

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“I wish I had said yes”, I said. As I said this once again, I really wished I would get another chance. It’s been four long years of regret, hope and despair. But it’s been a longer period of love, care and friendship. I just thought of a moment six years back, but had to rush for this daily call for which I run in this early every morning and end up giving a wrong impression to the one person I wanted to be perfectly right.

Six years back when I had entered the same meeting hall I stand in, little did I know I wasn’t alone, little did I know that I would stand here today recollecting the past, something I had never dreamt of happening to me of all people. I had a past? A relationship which I call a past? I might or might not have! That’s me; I am not too sure... At least I have started thinking about it and I wish I had started earlier.

The meeting was a routine status call and I had all the time to be with myself, to think what went wrong or what went right! That’s actually all the time I have got for myself! I had made a choice and now I live with it.

She was there, when I thought I was pushed into a new island. She just smiled and said a simple “Hello” and instantly connected. I might have hesitated at least for a second or two before I breathed out a weaker “helloooo”, but in no time, we were out there laughing with rest of the lot at the lunch table. There were seven of us, who became a notorious gang, but the rest five were different from her. She was the person I had right from daily route bus to my cubicle, from morning till evening, for every single thought I needed to share and for every single time I needed someone to just talk to or even shout at; she was there! She did not stop with a smile alone; she spoke about everything more than anyone one can ever imagine. She could just not stop and that’s what made us complement each other even more.

She was always with people, so much that the whole world knew her and wanted to be friends with her. I thought myself to have been lucky that way. We were best of friends and the best part was that there were no strings attached. We had our spaces, we had our separate lives, people, career and more than that we had our own priorities! Just that I misread what was mine, and more so what she thought was hers!

“Any questions?” was all that I heard in today’s call and thankfully it was over with that. Memories come in handy in such situations, if I have to look at the brighter side of a hanging past or a boring meeting. As I walk out of the conference room, I crossed her cabin and she hurriedly looked up from her desk. “Got a minute?” and I immediately stepped in.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Somethings and Nothings - Part I

It was the perfect start to the perfect day. A warm sunshine by my window, with the mild breeze pushing my nylon curtains aside, waking me up from the deep sleep I was in. I walked down to my kitchen still smiling at what the morning has just given me – a brand new day in my life, a new chapter, a new episode. As the smile began to diminish came the strong aroma of the coffee, tickling every cell of my mind to get ready to face what’s ahead, to get started and get going.

Things have changed, after I had moved in, or I would rather say out! In - into my own world that I never knew of four years back. Out – out of others’ that I had always been a part of. Little did I think about this all these years, until I opened my Inbox, the only place where a conversation is called one even if it’s one-sided!

Amongst the pile of journals and online newsletters I had subscribed to, there was this outlier with a “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii”. It was a familiar, too known a Hi, which I could never have missed. Instinctively I chose to ignore it for the rest of the day, it’s been a blessing so far and it had just started.

Clearly, I had missed something, I thought, as I checked my bag before I locked the door. I no longer run back to take what I leave behind, I have started to live without it, if I need to. It’s easier and I am fine with it. I thought for a second time, still chose not to recollect if it was my mobile that I had left behind that had a new message that I saw only later that evening.

I took the usual train to work and rushed in for the seat by the window, to stare at the parallel tracks alongside, all along the journey. And as thoughts rushed by, I pushed them off for a later part of the day, which I hoped would never come. I was running to the elevator at the office building when I did not notice my head automatically turn to the direction from where the voice came. I “know” the voice and my head just turned. “I wish I had said a yes”, he said. I thought I would choke, but words just gushed out before I could think. I’ve said, “I wish you had atleast said a no”! I really wish I had actually wished only that! We stepped out of the elevator to say the awkward “Bye”, and moved away.

It’s all part of my daily routine now, every morning, every single morning for the last four years! The mail I did not read and the message that lies unread on my mobile back home, are totally out my routine though...

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A woman at heart...

Am not a crazy feminist, am not "against" men or women or "for" either as well :) It's just the human race as such that amazes me :). From few people I know, their way of life and stories told and from a few phases of life that I have personally seen, little could I react to the world at large...

It's just a thought, just a way of explaining what's what and who's who... It's just a way of venting it all out...

I dedicate the lines below to all those in my life who have cared for me, and who have given me a place in their lives for me to care for them.. and its only coincidental that Mother's Day is around the corner and hence, "Mom, you top the list" :)

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Wept by the tide called time, with feet too cold to step aside,

blocked by oneself with the worst of fears,

choked with memories and clogged with tears,

there she is, to care!!!


Swayed away by thoughts, to a land so farther,

blown apart into halves, that know not the other,

a quest set in its own path, start and end unknown.

Still, here she is, to care!!!


Good to all, never good to self,

a mind that thinks and a heart that swells.

Been there, and seen it all,

As always, there she is, to care!!!


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That's it !!! Just one part of the story.. would love to see people add on to this :) I feel there's something I've left unsaid... and something else that needs to go in... So, junta, please come up with your lines.. would be a different attempt altogether :)


P.S.1: Am looking for some interesting lines from few ppl I have in mind.. eagerly waiting for these and the rest to add on :)


P.S.2 : This is no contest !!!

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Colours !!!

After nearly 10 years, I held a paint brush in hand :) Felt like I was back in school again :) Thanks to Ms.Lata Chavan, my art teacher back then who shall always be remembered for her love and passion for art and her students.

My come back to art is marked with our very own "Pullayar Suzhi" ( Starting note being Lord Ganesha), literally!!!

Ganesha, my personal favourite - a friend, a companion, and conveniently turned into a model for my experiments with art !!! Hes been with me through tough and happy times and nothing makes me feel better than a small effective prayer to him :)

वक्रतुंड महाकाय सूर्यकोटिसमप्रभ।
निर्विघ्नं कुरु मे देव सर्वकार्येषु सर्वदा

(Vakratunda Mahakaya Surya Koti Samaprabha
Nirvighnam Kurumedeva Sarvakaryeshu Sarvada)


Recent Colours:


Older Sketches:




Now that I've started on a bright note, hoping to come up with better work in the future :)

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Happy Bday Raghu !!!


I would have wrote atleast 50 different lines of poetry and prose to fill up this post (wish blogspot could show all the versions I wrote out here :P), but below this collage of the cutest pics I can think of... I finally give up and all I can say is:

"Raghu, you make me proud, in everything you do, you make me love you even more... and offlate end up missing you more than how much I love you...."

HAPPY B'DAY DA!!!! Love you loads!!!!

P.S.: Since blog-o-sphere is the only place Dad & Mom have still not explored, a special bday wish form them too...